Thursday, June 1, 2017 Singapore

why i don't like being in a group

Last night I was dealing with a lot of thoughts especially of me doing my thing alone. I mean, leaving the group I am in. Not just in group chat, but literally leaving the group. Of course, the connection is still there and so the bond that we used to have, but hanging out each time? I creep out. It's like I want to do things on my own.

And why do I want to be alone than to be with my group of friends?
It's because I want to do things alone. I want to eat alone without having obliged to talk and ride along the conversation or walk alone because I want to think of things I wanted to reflect but I can't because I need to do the talking. Hey, it's not completely shutting them down but really, I prefer to do things alone. Of course, school works is different and I'm really unsure of my answers (honestly speaking I need ideas too).

Because when you're silent on the group, the question pops out: "Are you okay?", you have to pretend that you are okay. You see, I'm never honest of my feelings, I'd rather keep it than telling you how I am feeling this time unless you are my best friend. Not even my parents know what I really feel.

Being in a group is like you have an obligation to go with them, follow what was the "leader" saying and as for my case, I only like to be with one person I can comfortably work with. My folks are okay and they're fun to be with but sometimes, with the same shit drama, I tend to creep out and suddenly cry. I don't like this. Why am I here? Which turns out, I'll blame myself because I'm not being a true friend to them.

So, what does a true friend mean?

For me, it's not the person you always hang on with, the person you always have a good chat on either virtually or personally but the person you seldom see but still clicks on with you when you talk. That the connection is still there, the topics you talk about never runs out. Like my best friends for 10 years, Arlene and Charles, we seldom talk, we have other friends but when we talk, the connection is still there. It's not about the closeness or the amount of bonding, but the care is still there.

I'm tired of dramas. I'm even tired of my own dramas, too. I want to be alone aside from the reasons I stated above is because I hate the feeling of being left out, I hate being the underdog of the group when everyone's so smart. I'd rather work alone and have someone frankly correct my mistake than accepting praises coming from pretentious mouth.

I know some of you will contradict me and write it on another blog post but please, respect what I really feel. It's hard to be in my shoes. I am not being negative in here, it's just what I fucking feel. I wrote this because I want it to share with you because you are my reader.

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